Autism. Different, but certainly not less.

A Mother and her son talk over Lego and folding clothes.  What follows sheds light on not only how a young boy with autism thinks, feels, and perceives the world around him, but how a parent’s insecurities can sometimes get in the way of real growth.     

“Swish. Whirr. Whoosh. Watch out Mum! You just about crushed my Washtec Softcare II Pro Plus car wash!”

I sidestep past another masterful Lego creation before dumping my just-dry load of washing, (and myself) onto the couch. Folding. Humans want to fly to Mars, but we have yet to invent an economical way to wash, dry, iron and fold clothes without human intervention.

“Swish. Whirr. Whoosh.”

Meet Nathan. A bright and cheerful, now 13-year-old boy from Mt Maunganui.

While his peers are busy making their next TikTok video, Nathan dreams of building the world’s ultimate car wash. A mechanism that incorporates brushes, spray arms and environmentally friendly cleaning agents. All wrapped up in the latest LED displays and a cool sound system playing the classics.

The concentration on his face is intense as he makes the 3000th refinement to his Lego Washtec Softcare II Pro Plus.

After moving out of Tauranga for a quieter lifestyle in Rotorua, an ECE teacher picked up on Nathan’s funny little quirks and difficulties. There were language problems, repetitive behaviours, social and sensory issues, and regular meltdowns.

As Nathan’s parent, it was not startling news. It was a relief when she suggested he go for some tests to see if he was on the autistic spectrum.

After all the tests involving occupational therapists, paediatricians, psychologists, speech therapists and early intervention teachers, Nathan was diagnosed with high functioning autism at the age of four.

Our ensuing talk ebbs and flows in and around Nathan’s car washes and my folding. During this time, we also get to shed light on how a young man with autism thinks, feels, and perceives the world around him.

Nathan tinkers with his empire of Lego.

“I like car washes. I got into them when I was two or three. You used to take me to the Caltex Station at Bayfair, mum. They had a Ryco Monarch II car wash, and I was just fascinated by the dryers. How they looked, how they moved and the sound they made. I guess I’m a car wash enthusiast.”

Nathan has had a few obsessions or fixations over the years. According to spokesperson and advocate for autism, Professor Mary Temple Grandin, some of the most successful high-functioning autistics have directed childhood fixations into careers, including herself.

“One of my fixations was automatic glass sliding doors. Initially I was attracted to the doors because I liked the sensation of watching them move back and forth.”

When Nathan was young, sometimes it was easier to get him to sleep or calm down in the car wash. Don’t judge. When you’re single and have little support, you’ll try anything to find relief.

In an interview with prominent psychologist and Asperger’s expert, Dr Tony Attwood, Grandin spoke about how as an autistic child, she would dribble sand through her hands and watch the grains, studying each one like a scientist.

“When I did that, I could tune the whole world out. You know, I think it’s OK for an autistic kid to do a little bit of that, because it’s calming.”

How does a kid with a passion for car washes become so clued up on them? Nathan says the answer’s pretty obvious.

“I find out a lot from looking online. YouTube has a lot of car wash enthusiasts. I also like going to lots of car washes and asking the people that work there about their car washes. There is a tandem car wash in Matamata and I got to speak to the owner about his car wash systems,” says Nathan.

He’s not shy when it comes to his interests either. When Waitomo Group were building their new gas stop in Rotorua, on Fairy Springs Road, Nathan made a wild guess they would add a carwash.

Waitomo Group’s Site Manager, Paul Easton caught up with Nathan and they chopped it up over car washes. Paul was so impressed by Nathan’s knowledge of car washes, he invited him to be the first customer to go through their flagship car wash, the latest Washtec Softcare 360 Plus. Nathan was thrilled to be the first in Rotorua and NZ to go through Waitomo Group’s first car wash. He filmed the whole episode for his YouTube channel.

I ask Nathan if he has any friends at his school and after a long pause he whispers, “Um yeah, Jimmie* and Drayton*” (boys from his primary school days).

When I ask him what he does with his friends, he meanders around the questions with ums and ohs.

“I don’t really.”

“So, you have friends, but you don’t hang out with them Nathan?”

Nathan draws in a big, long breath before answering,

“Sometimes I do stuff with others. I’m not really good in teams. I like to do stuff alone. I find it more peaceful.”

“Don’t you get lonely?”

He thinks intently,

“I can’t think of any time that I’ve ever felt lonely,”

As I move on from folding the towels to taming the sheets, Nathan reflects on his class buddies.

“One thing some of the boys like to do is annoy me. They ask me stupid questions and it usually gets me very mad. Sometimes I can calm myself down. Why do the boys like to annoy me so much? It can be stressful sometimes. I get mad and sometimes I storm out of the class.”

When I ask Nathan to think about one thing, he’d like the people in his class to know about him, he takes his time to formulate an answer.

“I think they all know I’m a car wash enthusiast. But maybe if they don’t know already that I have autism.

“It’s when your brain is wired differently. You’re different from everyone, in a good way. You like different things.”

Nathan Nuku

Nathan’s so passionate about his interests, he has no trouble at all in going up to a complete stranger and drowning them in the detail.

“I like to talk a lot about the things that interest me because I like sharing the information.”

Unfortunately, Nathan’s lack of social awareness means he has little clue when the other party wants him to stop talking. He is shocked when I reveal to him that people will usually tell you with their body language. They look away, yawn, check their watch or their phone.

“Wait what? Why don’t they just tell me to stop talking?” he exclaims.

Sometimes Nathan will be in deep and animated conversation with himself when we are out and about. At other times, his eyes will be completely glazed over. People sometimes stare at him like he’s weird. He is blissfully unaware of them.

“I like to make up stories to myself. I don’t know why. I can’t hear anything else. There is a lot in my head.”

This behaviour has seen Nathan attract trouble. His teachers see it as being off task.

I’m finally coming to the end of the pile of folding when I ask Nathan, what makes him laugh.

“You stopped the car outside our house to ask me to close the back door. I hopped out of the car and started running back to the house to close the back door. You got out and asked me what the heck I was doing. I didn’t know you meant to close the back door of the car. It was a while ago, but I still laugh now.” He chuckles.

I end by asking him what makes him sad.

He stares out the window,

“That someone I know very, very well, might die. Imagine losing something that you’ve really loved.”

I was privileged to meet an elderly lady who was an Aspie. (A person with Asperger’s syndrome). She had led a very colourful life, had been engaged, married, and divorced many times. I asked her what it was like to be an Aspie.

“You have arrived in a foreign land. You do not speak their language. You do not know their culture or their customs. You behave differently in every way even though you look the same. And every time you try and communicate with the locals, you always stuff it up.”

It’s clear that Nathan sees the world through a different lens, his lens. It’s also clear that he shares a lot in common with us. He is different yes, but certainly not less.

I let Nathan have the last word.

“Not all people are the same. We’re all different actually. I guess that’s a good thing. You be you. Don’t try to be someone else you don’t want to be. I don’t really care if people like me or not. I just live my own life.”

Nathan Nuku

He pauses momentarily.

“Now can we go and try that rare Karcher CB3 car wash in Morrinsville, Mum. We can listen to CCR on the way.”

*Not their real names